0013-Not Enough - Unearthing my core beliefs

We create core beliefs as we grow up, to help us navigate through life. Sometimes, they're outdated and harmful. Join me as I do a bit of exploration with some that are front and center in my life, daily.

Transcript from the show:

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So, I haven't talked much about my EMDR therapy at this point because it's taken some time to get ready for those sessions. The other reason - my therapist listened when I requested that the "kid gloves" be removed. In my previous talk therapy experiences, it felt too slow - too…gentle. In our time getting prepped for EMDR, several sessions HAVE been talk therapy, but it was meaty stuff. It wasn't just "how are you feeling today?" stuff. It was "dig right into the flesh" stuff!

I've fucking needed that. CRAVED that. Just rip the goddamn bandaid right off and get to the meat! I want solutions. I want reasons why I'm doing the shit that I'm doing so I can work on rerouting whatever thought processes I've created that are keeping me silent, small, and lacking in substance. 

Here. I want to read a semi-long excerpt from a brain dump I wrote just days before deciding to create the podcast and my first visit with my current therapist.

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I'm in a cycle. I'm also "trapped" in my idiosyncrasies. The same things, year after year, continue to surface for me.

I don't know how to make them "give." Every time I thought I was in a position to come out on top of those things, apparently I continue to revert back to them.

Outgoing, then not. Want affection, then hate it. Realize I need to talk, then continue to resort to silence. Recognize my fears and how they're holding me back; then do nothing to push them. Show a no bullshit approach to my life, then allow things in that cause me to deteriorate.

Without fail, I'm motivated to do home things, while I'm at work. But the moment I get home; it's chores, then avoidance. Something needs to change. Finances need to change. Motivation needs to change. Responsibilities need to change. Actions need to change. Mindsets need to change. It all fucking needs to change. I need to change.

I need to change.

WHY THE FUCK CAN'T I CHANGE?

It's shit like this - the collective knowledge of my life that's in my head - that makes me feel like I just need to throw in the towel on life. I don't have the money for therapy. We're living beyond our means and I feel it's somehow up to me to figure out how to magically make it to where we can continue having the things in life that we're spoiled with on the income we currently have.

Why is it so easy to quit?

What have I worked through to completion that ever had any big hurdles to overcome? When have I ever pushed through fear to get to a positive result?

What have I done with my life aside from RUN?

People are all like, "but you've accomplished so much!"

So much? What? Debt? Definitely debt. Repeatedly.

I don't trust anyone enough to help me. And I'm losing trust in myself to help myself.

I need to be heard and be valued. But I'm afraid to talk. WHY THE FUCK IS TALKING SO HARD?

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Fuck if I know. I don't know what the hell will help me and it feels like therapy is entirely too slow to really get in and dig up the shit that needs to get dug up so I can finally see some progress. I don't want tiny little baby steps. I want someone to dig out the fucking root ball of the obnoxious trees that were planted in my garden. I cut them down, but they're still taking up precious space for new growth. My shovel feels inadequate for the task. It's hot, and tiring, and the rest of my life is passing by while I sit on this stump wondering how the fuck I'll ever get to the bottom to get it out.

I like the garden analogy. That concept that others planted shit in my garden for me, until I grew old enough to tend to it on my own. There's shit here that I don't want anymore. I'm pretty sure I know what needs to come out and I kinda have an idea of what should go in, but apparently I'm having trouble sourcing the plants that need to go in. Or, in the case of the root balls, some things are harder to be rid of than others.

How do I find it in me to put myself out there for help? How do I nourish a support group for myself? How do I properly convey to the people closest to me what I need to improve? How do I figure out what I need that will help me?

I just sent a contact form to one of the local groups for sexual assault support. Feels weird since I don't feel CSA, in my specific case, counts as sexual assault - but maybe they can locate a support group I can go to. Some place where I can learn how to share and speak and USE MY FUCKING WORDS.

Where can I learn that? There has to be something out there to teach people how to overcome their fears of speaking. This feels different from a public speaking thing too. There's preparation involved with that. You can research and write out your speaking points, practice practice practice, then just do. Something about all that preparation beforehand, while still anxiety inducing, feels "easier" than just being able to speak like a normal human on a day to day basis. To connect with people. To demonstrate that I actually am a human with thoughts and feelings and opinions. That maybe I do have something of value to contribute.

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And here comes the other thing - there's no confidence in myself to set my sights on a goal and see it through to completion. It's always "too hard" or "not worth the trouble" or "I'm not good at it anyway" or lots and lots of other doubts because that's how I've structured my life. I'm not sure of most of the things I do. And those things that I'm sure on, I'll easily defend and protect. Trouble is, I'm just not sure on nearly everything. "Meh, that doesn't really matter" or "somewhat agree" or "somewhat disagree." Very few things make me jump to "strongly agree" or "strongly disagree."

I want to throw my personality in the trash. God what the fuck is it for?

Are these things my personality? Well, character is a synonym for personality, and character is defined as: 1.the mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual.

So there. Yes. Throw my character and personality in the trash. It's broken. It's neither here nor there, makes no contributions to society, hurts people, doesn't properly care for nearly EVERYTHING it's responsible for, and apparently can't take new information and learn from it. The character is built for surviving, not overcoming. The character is built as an extra, not a key player. The character dreams a lot but doesn't wake from slumber to make them a reality. Just throw it in the trash and start over.

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So yeah. There ya go.

And that's certainly not the darkest example of the places my mind has been. I'd bet that for many of you listening, this is tame. But anyway. This isn't a contest. We're all fucked a bit, here and there (or maybe everywhere - who am I to judge?)

Anyway. Two days after I wrote that, I came up with the idea to start the podcast. Four days after I wrote that, I met with my therapist for the first time. Obviously, I was ready to just GET. SHIT. DONE.

Now. To the point of this episode.

We've unearthed that I have some key players in my belief system that are calling the shots on my life.

"I'm not good enough."

"What I say doesn't matter."

"I'm dumb."

"I'm not valuable."

Nearly every single one of my life experiences get passed through these core beliefs.

Say you're in the kitchen and you pull a plate out of the cabinet, but almost drop it…and of course you might say something like "shit!" And then from the other room you hear the question, "What did you do?"

Now, honestly, I know that question is innocuous sounding. It's a simple question not intended to toss blame around. But. When I hear things like "what did you do?" and it's not meant to inquire about a thing I took part in (like an activity I signed up for), all I can hear in my head is "Oh I'm dumb and not good enough. It's my fault." I hear the "you" and instantly, whatever "it" is, is my fault. And sometimes things are accidents and NOT my fault! I don't want that on me :/

My preferred question to replace that? "What happened?" No one is at fault and the situation can still be explained, without feelings of blame or guilt…or being not good enough.

Another example that doesn't happen often, but when it does…ouch…

So. I've been trying to make changes to show more appreciation to my husband. Since I've discovered I have a fear of intimacy, I'm trying to do things to challenge myself and do more to encourage positive interactions in my marriage. He expressed appreciation for my efforts…and then jokingly requested  "something else."

Thing is, when I ran that interaction through those core beliefs of mine, suddenly, "I'm not good enough." It feels like the compliment was conditional on "getting more" instead of showing real appreciation for whatever I did do right, which negates whatever I did do right, because it wasn't enough. In my head - It. Wasn't. Enough. The steps I tried to take to make a difference felt like NOTHING after the extra request was made after the "acknowledgement" of a "job well done."

My brain translated all my efforts into not being enough. Which means *I* am not enough.

Another example, for fun.

When I hear explanations of things I already know, it gets run through my core beliefs and tada! "I'm dumb and not good enough." Someone has to explain these things I know to me because I'm dumb and not good enough. There's a fine line between being helpful and sending the message to the other person that they can't think for themselves. Someone explaining things to me when I didn't ask for the explanation, seems to always elicit those feelings of being dumb and just "not good enough."

These core beliefs are why I can't create things around other people or have them be subjects of my creativity. Every suggestion that someone else has on my process or other things I could do gets run through those beliefs and then it becomes "What I have to say doesn't matter and I'm not good enough to be doing this, since someone else feels they need to help me with my creative process."

I feel as though I'm not good enough to bother exploring my own life and what it means to me. I'm not valuable enough to demand time for myself because what I say doesn't matter. I'm dumb.

I realize the flaws. I recognize the harm that these things are doing. But, I'm STILL running them through the belief system I have in place and they're still CONFIRMING my beliefs about myself. 

I know damn good and well that many don't intrinsically believe the things that I believe about myself and that the things that others say aren't intended to poke any of those inner bears of mine. But, welcome to my own confirmation bias.

I'm sure you have some of these insidious core beliefs too. We're all fucked up in some way. Telling you my specifics though, I'm trying to be a little less fucked up.

"I am enough"

"What I say, matters"

"I'm smart despite the mistakes I make"

"I am valuable"

These are the trees that need to be replanted in the garden. But. I have to get the other trees uprooted first.

In a previous episode, I likened the "not good enough" theme to those hedge plants that are used to build living fences. And maybe it still could be, but…the more I think about it - that root ball I spoke of earlier in this episode - that's the "I'm not good enough" tree.

Fortunately, my therapist is throwing me tools to uproot that bad boy. FINALLY.

In the meantime, I'm sowing the seeds for the new trees in the greenhouse while I work on digging up that root ball. I feel confident that my therapist has got some tricks up her sleeve to help me get those kids off to a good start, too.

We can chat more about that later ;)

Anywho, thanks for listening guys! Your support means a lot to me, even if it's just a simple share on social media or to a friend or family member who you feel might enjoy the podcast too. Also, I can't forget to give a shout out to both Kevin MacLeod at Incompetech.com and Scott Buckley at scottbuckley.com.au for the music transitions they  provided for use in the show. If you want to shoot me an email, it's questionyourgarden@gmail.com Be sure to check out the show notes for any links or additional information from the episode.

Until next time, keep weeding!

Intro Audio:
"Cold Sober"Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)

Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0

http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

Transition Audio:

"Wonderful"Scott Buckley (scottbuckley.com.au)