0014-Emotional Neglect - And a few words on attachment
Your childhood matters a LOT. I don't think emotional neglect is talked about enough and for that reason, I've been pretty blind to it. Look below to some of the resources I talked about in the episode!
Anxious Attachment
Avoidant Attachment
Therapist Uncensored (Specifically episodes 59, 60, and 61)
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson
Transcript from the show:
_____________________
Like fear of
intimacy, I didn't see that emotional neglect was also a factor in my life.
My brain translated
those words into something that I thought would be glaringly obvious if it were
a factor. And…it is but! If you don't know the ways in which emotional neglect
develops and how it presents itself in yourself, you'll just look at it like
another personality quirk. I mean, that's what I did.
I just thought I was
naturally reclusive. I've thought that sacrificing yourself to others and their
needs were what "good" people did. It's never made sense to me how
people can have some knock down drag out yelling matches and still want to be
around one another. I've also never understood how people recover after an
argument. Like, what are you supposed to do exactly to come back from being
wounded by someone you love? How is that even supposed to get fixed?
I just figured it
was exclusively the sexual abuse that made me hesitant to be physically close
to people, even if I liked them.
It makes sense to me
that if people actually wanted to help me with something, they'd just do it.
They'd somehow just *know* what I needed, right? And if they didn't help, then
I'd know they didn't care and I could move on and not spend time on someone who
wasn't interested.
I just figured that
doing things alone and for myself was how it was supposed to be. Be
self-sufficient. You don't need anyone else, do ya? Having a shitty day? No
need to reach out to anyone for support - you've got this. Really want to dump
all the things floating around in your brain? That's what pen and paper is for.
No reason to reach out to someone else and impose on them. You're a good
friend, remember? No one needs to worry about you. You can take care of
yourself.
Here's the thing -
humans are meant to be social creatures that do better in groups. We were built
to make it through this life with the support from those closest to us.
I've rejected that
idea for a while. I didn't have any "knowledge" behind my opinion to change that opinion, just my life experiences
which, to this point, have only demonstrated that people aren't to be trusted
and there's no use getting close to anyone.
But. Hell. Where do
I begin?
Okay.
The main reason why it's important to have a
secure and supportive social group to reach out to: recovery from stress and
trauma.
When you think about
other species of animals who may not be as "advanced" as we are, you
have to wonder, just a bit, how they can manage out in the wild when damn near
everything is trying to kill them. Research on this has shown that animals actually
follow through with their stress response cycles and inclusion in their group
helps them recover more quickly. Basically, recovery involves shaking and
trembling, many times resembling attempts at running in place, which helps
dispense the pent up energy that grew while the threat mounted against them.
Their body goes through the complete physical response of the stress, and then
they rejoin the safety of the herd (I always tend to think about deer, in my
head) and go about their business until the next threat.
They don't tend to
wander around in the wild completely freaked out by everything because their
bodies have finished that stress response cycle, allowing them to go on about
their life. At least until the next threat.
Meanwhile we, as
these "advanced" humans, are walking around with stress from past
trauma that we haven't been able to release. And since that energy is still
just hanging around in there - inside our bodies - we make decisions about our
lives and how we interact in the world based on this lingering stress.
Do you know where we
learned how to handle stress and how to recover?
Infancy.
Not necessarily our
whole childhood, but infancy specifically.
That period of time
where we don't have language available to us. Where the most we can do is cry
and laugh or stare out blankly, shake, and vomit. It's during our infancy that
we learn who our caretakers are and work hard to build an attachment with them
to help us feel secure and safe.
If our caretakers
are emotionally unavailable for us, we can develop attachment disorders. If our
caretakers are emotionally inconsistent for us, we can develop attachment
disorders.
I'm hesitant to get
tooooo involved in talking about attachment but I have to, to a point. And
hopefully I won't muck it up too much either. Remember, I'm no expert, I’m just
sharing things I'm learning along the way. I may not have a wholly thorough understanding,
so I'll try to keep it basic.
When you're an
infant, you really only have your emotional language to communicate with.
Smiles, laughs, cries, and screams - stuff like that. If your parent isn't
emotionally savvy, it's quite likely they'll misread or be too uncomfortable
with the negative emotions to properly deal with them. So, if baby you cried
over something you were scared of, and your parent rejected your cries with a
blank stare, withholding touch, anger, etc., there's a good chance you learned
that they weren't going to protect you. I mean, one off incidents probably
won't matter over the long term, but if the parent is consistently NOT there
for the child, the child doesn't learn how to attach to others properly; to
recover from things that stress them out or upset them.
As we children get
older and more mobile, we continue to expand on our ability to attach to our
caretaker. We're still reading facial cues, responding to touch (or lack
thereof), and trying to figure out what works best to keep us safe.
I want to go ahead
and add that most parents don't even know all this is happening. They're doing
the best they can with what they have and if they haven't been given the
resources to overcome things from their past that make them who they are,
they'll unknowingly continue to perpetuate the problems and dysfunctions. I
feel it in my very being that my mom cared for each of her kids and loved them
immensely. She just didn't have the emotional resources to do better for any of
us.
From what I
understand about attachment styles, there are basically three types: Secure,
Anxious, and Avoidant.
Secure attachment
happens when you have parents (or at least a single parent) that is emotionally
mature enough to meet your needs as an infant and allow you the physical and
emotional safety necessary to know when you can run back to "home base"
for soothing and when you can wander off in search of childhood independence.
These parents are consistent in showing their children that they will protect
the child and be attentive to their emotional needs.
Anxious attachment
happens when the parents are inconsistently supportive, which teaches the child
that they can't really be sure what response they're going to get from the
parent. Here, one of my favorite websites explains this a little better, so let
me read an excerpt. I'll link to the article in the show notes:
Many parents and/or caregivers are inconsistently attuned to
their children. Attachment researchers describe
the behavior of these adults, noting how at times they are nurturing, attuned
and respond effectively to their child’s distress, while at other times they
are intrusive, insensitive or emotionally unavailable. When parents vacillate
between these two very different responses, their children become confused and
insecure, not knowing what kind of treatment to expect. These children often
feel distrustful or suspicious of their parent, but they act clingy and
desperate. They learn that the best way to get their needs met is to cling to
their attachment figure. These children have an ambivalent/anxious attachment
with their unpredictable parent.
Avoidant attachment
happens when the parents are inconsistent with support as well, however, the
parents in this case may be more stoic or rejecting. They could be unresponsive
to their child's needs, or otherwise unavailable. Here, let's do another excerpt
from PsychAlive:
Parents of
children with an avoidant attachment tend to be emotionally unavailable or
unresponsive to them a good deal of the time. They disregard or ignore their
children’s needs, and can be especially rejecting when their child is hurt or
sick. These parents also discourage crying and encourage premature independence
in their children.
In response, the
avoidant attached child learns early in life to suppress the natural desire to
seek out a parent for comfort when frightened, distressed, or in pain. …
By not crying or
outwardly expressing their feelings, they are often able to partially gratify
at least one of their attachment needs, that of remaining physically close to a parent.
Oof.
In addition to those
articles, there are a few episodes from Therapist Uncensored that I'll link up
as well. There's so much more to attachment styles and how they're formed than
what little I've mentioned here.
Now, all that being
said, I very clearly self-identify with the avoidant attachment style. I had to
"grow up" young to manage the abuse, of course, but I guess there
were other things that I didn't notice either? I don't view my mom as a negative
character in my younger years, but maybe things that happened were so long ago
that I don't remember them anymore?
I do remember
enjoying spending time with her, but I don't really remember seeking her out
for comfort either. My mom never told me that I wasn’t "good enough"
but that inherent belief permeates everything in my life and I remember it
being a silent theme as a child too.
There's another book
I read recently called "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature
Parents" by Lindsay Gibson. In this book, she covers what she views as the
"four types of difficult parents."
The Emotional Parent
- instills feelings of instability and anxiety
The Driven Parent -
stays busy trying to perfect everything and everyone
The Passive Parent -
avoids dealing with anything upsetting
The Rejecting Parent
- is withdrawn, dismissive, and derogatory
Of those four, my
mom was hands down the "Passive" parent. And since most of my
childhood she was married to the stepbastard, someone who was loud,
controlling, manipulative, and at times, emotionally volatile, he exacerbated
her passivity.
I do think I've
taken on her "don't poke the bear" approach and respond similarly to
how she did when it comes to other people's anger.
I don't remember
seeing arguments when I was a kid. I remember the stepbastard getting his
panties in a wad about one thing or another and us just letting him ride the
wave of superiority until the "threat" went away on its own. Looking
back, with adult eyes, they didn't have a healthy relationship either. At
least, I don't think they did. It doesn't feel like they did.
I certainly didn't
learn anything about having healthy relationships with people growing up,
that's for sure.
I spent more time
trying to be the good kid. Trying to silently please my parents. Trying to be
helpful where I could with others. Staying quiet and out of the way so as not
to get anyone angry at me.
I feel like the most
physical affection I received was when I was sick. But then, there were still
times I was fussed at for "claiming" I was sick and being accused of
faking it. Not by my mom, of course. But. Damn…I didn't even have the "right"
to say I didn't feel well at the risk of being accused of lying.
I remember one time
that I was sick too. I think the stepbastard was off to work and my mom was
sleeping because she was working nights. I remember crawling along the floor to
get to the bathroom in agony, wishing my mom would wake up and find me, to console
me, but it not happening. I suffered through my pain alone and never mentioned
it to anyone. I mean, what good would that have done after the fact? I think I
was around 10-11 years old for that one.
I knew how to dose
my own medicine. I knew the standard procedure for dealing with being sick.
Soooo, I parented myself in most cases. I knew how to do things and they let
me.
It's like…like, they
handed over control of my garden before I had any idea what to do to keep the
plants alive or thriving. "Oh, she's smart, she'll figure it out."
But. I had no real
concept of the world. Of care of the garden.
I don't know what
plants need extra care. I don't know what plants need more sunshine. I don't
know what plants need more water. I don't even know what some of these plants
are! Are they even supposed to be here or are they weeds? And what happens when
these plants get big? Are they supposed to get that big and in your face, or do
they need to be trimmed back occasionally?
The securely
attached person knows how to tend the garden. When to trim, when to replant,
when to water.
The anxious attached
person may spend a good bit of time flitting about the garden, trimming and
replanting and watering, almost to the point of obsession because they don't
want anything to die but they don't really know what to do with all of it
either.
And the avoidant
attached person…they just let the garden do its thing, occasionally taking
interest in cleaning up the look of things to better enjoy the garden for a
bit, then retreating back to take a hands off approach since, they too, really
don't know what the hell to do with all of it to help the garden thrive.
Oye.
Since it's still a
fairly new concept to me, and I've droned on about this for a while, I want to
come back to this in another episode, to maybe talk about ways to get closer to
a more secure attachment style. In the meantime, I HIGHLY encourage you to do
some additional reading on the topic because I really feel like it's a major
player in why we do the things we do.
Anyway, thanks for
listening guys!
I've heard some
wonderful feedback from several of you faithful listeners and I can't begin to
tell you how much it means to me! I love it when you guys share the show with
others too. It was a little scary the first few times, but it tells me that it
means something to you and dammit, that's a high compliment!
I really do want to
connect with you guys more so, please feel free to shoot me an email at
questionyourgarden@gmail.com. I'm also on Facebook with the social media handle
@questionyourgarden. If there's something you want me to chat about or even
have some comments you'd like me to bring into an episode (or not) - SEND IT TO
ME!
And, as always, a
special thanks goes to both Kevin MacLeod at Incompetech.com and Scott Buckley
at scottbuckley.com.au for the music transitions they provided for use in the
show.
Until next time,
keep weeding!
Intro Audio:
"Cold Sober"Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
"Cold Sober"Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0
Transition Audio:
"Wonderful"Scott Buckley (scottbuckley.com.au)
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