0017-Eyes - Eye contact versus exploration

I know you've heard "the eyes are the gateway to the soul." Here, I chat about what it means and how to possibly experience the breadth of this euphemism for yourself.

Transcript from the episode:

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Ohhhhhh the eyes.

It's fairly common knowledge that making eye contact with others is a pretty big deal. I mean, you stand better chances on being a viable candidate in a job interview if you're able to make eye contact with confidence. And when you're speaking with someone else, eye contact is also considered a sign that you are listening to that person and that they have your undivided attention.

Somehow or another, I learned to make good eye contact in scenarios where it is "required." At work or in interviews, I make great eye contact. I'm okay with this because it's important to me that the other person know that I'm paying attention to them and care what they have to say, because it's vastly important for my job, my volunteer work, or advancing my career.

Now uhhh…it gets a little sketchy when it comes to situations outside of employment or menial adult responsibilities. 

I do not make eye contact with strangers. Strangers are potentially dangerous and I have no interest in striking up random conversation with people.

Even with the people closest to me...it's difficult. You'd think that maintaining eye contact with people closest to me would be significantly easier but for some damned reason, it's not! I mean, I can, depending on the circumstances but my default response is to not.

I confess that this doesn't make much sense at all and very likely sends the wrong signals to the people I care about.

I think it's the difference between eye "contact" and eye "exploration."

I know you've heard the tired "the eyes are the gateway to the soul" euphemism. I didn't give it much thought until I came across an article many years ago that was discussing an experiment they did on eye gazing and how it could naturally increase feelings of love without any words being shared, and between two strangers no less!

I was single at the time, but I started replaying my relationships from the past in my head and also considered what it might feel like in the future if I were to allow myself to look someone in their eyes, which would also require them looking at mine.

While I could imagine connecting with those feelings of warmth, it also fucking scared me.

It still scares me, to be honest.

Why is someone looking into your eyes possibly one of the most impossible situations to find yourself in? Why is it so easy to run away?

I remember a time not too terribly long after my husband and I first got together. We were sitting outside in chairs across from one another while the dogs were doing their business in the yard or something. It's dusk so the light is waning and in a lull in conversation, we both look at each other, into each other's eyes. There was this moment where a huge, slightly shy smile crawled across his face and in that moment, a warmth of love and acceptance washed over me. I also didn't know what to do with that, so I smiled back then looked away. I remember wanting nothing more than to be able to capture that smile and hang onto it forever.

But stay in that moment? Why didn't I?

Fear?

Discomfort?

Woman, his eyes were telling you he loved you and you didn't know what to do with it? Didn't know how to sit with that and actually allow yourself to feel loved? Return the love?

While it sounds cheesy, to some extent, that eyes are the gateway to our souls, I do feel there's truth to it. Even with good friends, I doubt I'd look them in the eyes much if we were having a serious conversation; especially one where I wasn't sure of my own feelings.

I feel like the other person will see my pain and fear. I feel like they'll ask me questions I don't have answers to. I feel like I would just start crying if they looked long and hard enough and I don't know what that would even mean except that I'd feel the embarrassment of sharing my tears. Tears have about as much value to me as anger so I do my best to quell both.

I never said that was healthy or responsible to do either.

To be honest, I don't know a time when I was ever able to really look someone in my immediate circle in the eyes when the going got tough. I think there were a few instances as a child where I was yelled at to "Look at me when I'm talking to you!" And I would but - I blanked. Their gaze would have been met with a stare that resonated "I'm dead inside; mute; words won't be coming out. No words will change the current situation."

I have to wonder how things might be different if there had been more of an effort to really connect with me. To look me dead in the face and encourage me to feel. Encourage me to drop the curtain that shielded the world from knowing me, from seeing my vulnerabilities.

How would things be different for me if I'd experienced that? If my mom had sat in front of me and stared me in my eyes and told me, "I see you and I still love you"?

Reflecting, I can imagine the massive depths of another person that could be found by eye gazing and I still find the premise fascinating. But. It's not fascinating enough for me to try - to request it.

I would cry and that absolutely TERRIFIES ME.

Why the fuck is crying a problem?

Ohhhhh maybe because people are uncomfortable with it. Maybe because the first question asked is "what's wrong?" and maybe nothing is wrong or maybe everything is wrong but do you really think I can talk through tears??? Oh, you think it's about you? Can't people just cry? Can't we just let those emotions spill out of us every now and again without scrutiny?

Fucking scrutiny.

If I let you stare down into the depths of my being through my eyes, will you scrutinize me? Will you try to find "what's wrong" and "fix it" or will you see me and get to know me? Accept me?

If I knew that letting someone see into the depths of my eyes would offer acceptance, and not scrutiny, I might be more willing. If I knew I could cry without question for having let someone SEE me; without having to explain the tears. Tears that are likely from years of pain that no one has wanted to see…then maybe.

And hell, maybe those tears would be for the other person…glimpsing into their being…seeing their hidden pain laced within the patterns of their irises like a jail, open for visitation, with very few visiting.

But there I am, visiting. I can see you and you're letting me see you.

I mean, can you just imagine - after the first minute or two of giggling over the awkwardness of it…can you just imagine the feelings that would begin to unfold? The depth of connection that would strengthen as your eyes reach inside one another and silently touch one another? Silently hold one another's secrets and pain? The energy that would generate and meld together to bring a quiet connection amidst the turbulent sea of vulnerability?

I feel like our most fragile plants are tucked away in a "secret" part of the garden where few are allowed to visit. And our eyes…our eyes are the huge iron gate that keeps most visitors out until invited in. I feel like there's a maze too…

Like, you can't just lock eyes and open the gate. You have to lock eyes, invite the person in, and then the person has to navigate the maze to the center, before they're rewarded.  Do some visitors give up? Do some visitors get lost before they reach the center? Do we become fearful that someone will actually make their way through the maze to see that which we fervently protect and we shove them out? Do we open the gate and then immediately close it in their face? Do we plant vines to shield the presence of the gate at all? Do WE ever go visit what's behind that gate? 

 Are bits and pieces of ourselves visible along the maze? And the people we might let in, could they possibly have the respect needed for the plants that live here? Can they be trusted with what they see? To not take for themselves?

There are so many fucking questions there. It's a scary premise to me, still. I can't even sit here and suggest you go out and try this with someone you know because I feel like you REALLY need to be ready for it.

But. What would happen if you did? What positive stuff could happen if you did? What if, instead of worrying about all the things that could go wrong from letting someone "see" you through your eyes, you chose to connect with what good might come of it?

I want to. I really do. And hey, if you DO choose to do this, will you please email me at questionyourgarden@gmail.com and let me know how things went for you? I'd sincerely love some first person experience to maybe help push me over the edge to try it.

Anyway, thanks for listening guys! Your support means a lot to me, even if it's just a simple share on social media or to a friend or family member who you feel might enjoy the podcast too. Also, I can't forget to give a shout out to both Kevin MacLeod at Incompetech.com and Scott Buckley at scottbuckley.com.au for the music transitions they  provided for use in the show.

Until next time, keep weeding!

Intro Audio:
"Cold Sober"Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)

Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0

http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

Transition Audio:

"Wonderful"Scott Buckley (scottbuckley.com.au)