0002-Anxiety Shakes - Have you ever started shaking and didn't know why?

Your body remembers things, even if you don’t. Did you know that trauma can manifest itself through your body shaking, like an involuntary response? In this episode, I chat a bit about the book, The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk and stress response cycles that could be impacting you in ways you're not even aware of!

Transcript from the show:

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So, today, I want to talk about a revelation I had with a new therapist on our first visit. See, I've always randomly experienced body shakes and/or chattering, like I'm cold, after talking with new people for an extended period of time. I never really considered why it happened, I just accepted that it did because I was nervous, in general.

I need to go ahead and mention a book I recently read called, "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van Der Kolk. I'm probably going to really muddy up the synopsis, but basically, your body remembers trauma, even when you don't want to or don't know that it happened. Our bodies are designed to follow through with stress response cycles, and sometimes, those cycles get stuck or interrupted when the stress is too much to handle, like with traumatic events. If your body doesn't get to finish a stress response cycle, those stress hormones are likely to surface in other ways in the future when your memory is triggered. 

Bessel's goal, to me, is to give you a new understanding on how your body is built to deal with trauma and methods you can look into for overcoming it.  It's a hefty read and could potentially trigger you if you've been through some shit, but it's SO important.

After I read it, I decided I wanted to try EMDR instead of traditional talk therapy. EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. Short story, guided eye movements can have an overall positive impact on a person's ability to *process* past trauma so they can move forward with their life and be less impacted by triggers. 

When I met with my therapist for that first session, I unloaded most of my primary trauma so she'd have an idea of where we were at and what I was up against. Going through the explanations of the sexual abuse, the responses of others who I'd told about the abuse, the poor relationship I had with my mother, and my inability to get closure with her before she died - I'd noticed I'd started shaking. I pointed it out to her then told her that it's just something I do when I talk a lot; it didn't have to even be about anything traumatic. I called it weird, like I always have in the past.

Y'all. As soon as the words were leaving my lips I realized that no…no I'm not weird. My body has been telling me for a LONG time that something's not quite right. My therapist agreed. My body was visibly responding to past trauma. I can talk about the abuse so easily. I can "fake it til you make it" through most social situations when needed. Like, when I ran the pit bull rescue, I had to talk to people regularly at adoption events. After extended periods of time talking with a variety of people, I'd get those shakes and "shrug them off" as just being weird. I was "just talking too much." It was "just" something else.

But. It wasn't JUST something else. 

See, we respond to threats in one of three ways – fight; flight; or freeze.

In fight, we're attacking the threat. Say you're wandering through the woods in the old, primitive days and you come across a bear. This bear views you as a threat (or a meal) so you have a choice to kill the bear or die. "Oh yeah, bear? Take that!" And you slay the bear and then drag the bear home to have a mighty feast with your village, completing the stress response cycle. You're alive and you're safe. The threat is gone. 

In flight, we're escaping a threat. "Oh, there's a bear...I have no way to kill the bear so I better haul ass before I become dinner!" And you run and run and run and make it back to the village, alive and unscathed. And the village rejoices in your safety and the stress response cycle is completed. You're alive and you're safe. The threat is gone.

But then...there's freeze. So, you saw the bear. You had no tool to kill the bear, so you started running from the bear. But what you didn't see was a snare trap that snatched you up and alerted the bear to its tasty dinner. Your body will hit the freeze response cycle as a way to help limit the pain you actually feel as your body is rightfully convinced that you're going to die. There is no "completing" this cycle. You are not safe. It's probable you're not coming out of this alive.

Imagine what happens when you experience a trauma so massive that your body thinks you're going to die…but you don't die. How do you get out of that state? Your body needs to complete a cycle but usually, death comes after freeze.

You have to get "unfroze." 

Unfortunately, I can't help you do that and dammit I wish I could! But, if you stick around for a bit, maybe you'll see what it looks like for me? EMDR is supposed to help with things like this. It's a tool to help integrate trauma into past memories – as a thing that happened - instead of that trauma being an avenue into reliving the memory since it hasn't been fully and safely processed.

I don't really know what exactly it means right now, but I feel cautiously optimistic. Thinking back to all the times the shaking started…when the chattering started…the feelings of cold washing over me causing me to shiver and chatter more, desperately wanting that to stop and to let me continue having a conversation with whoever was in front of me and attentive to my words, but not having any control…

To sit here and recognize that maybe this whole time it's been my body responding to a past event - one that it desperately wants to let go of…

Hell, I can't even begin to speculate on the multitude of things that could be triggering the shakes or the chattering.

I guess part of me is still holding on to a bit of disbelief at the realization. Like, there's no way that I've dealt with that for so long and never tried to figure out what it was or why it was happening to me...I just accepted it and hoped that pushing through it would mean that it would eventually never happen again. 

But here I am, replaying that feeling, that realization, over and over again in my mind. I don't find it unsettling, just....surprising.

Where does this fit in the garden metaphor?

This must be that plant that isn't easily seen or noticed, but if I spend too much time near it, I'll start…sneezing. And now that I know it's there, there's probably going to be a whole lot more sneezing and discomfort as I work to get it out of the garden.

Sneaky little plants.

What about you? Have you ever experienced body shakes or chattering like I have, before? Shoot me an email at questionyourgarden@gmail.com if so.  I'd love to hear about it!

Anyway, thanks for listening guys! Your support means a lot to me, even if it's just a simple share on social media or to a friend or family member who you feel might enjoy the podcast too. If you want to send me an email, it's questionyourgarden@gmail.com Also, I can't forget to give a shout out to both Kevin MacLeod at Incompetech.com and Scott Buckley at scottbuckley.com.au for the music transitions they graciously provided for use in the show. Be sure to check out the show notes for any links or additional information from the episode.

Until next time, keep weeding!