0004-Neutrality - Exploring living in the mental middle

Man...is neutrality ever a comfortable place, or what? Riding the line of opinion, being able to just blend in and not be noticed for holding a strong opinion on something, one way or another.

On the surface, it may sound like a cozy, safe place to be – but there's no substance there. There's no contrast to make life a little more interesting. There's nothing defining in neutrality, yet so many of us are content to exist there. Sometimes...many times, it's okay to "not get along." We really should spend more time embracing our differences.

 Transcript from the show:

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I want to chat about "life in the middle" today. And no, not politically 😉 I think we've all had enough of that shit lately. Anywho.

Have you ever taken one of those surveys that ask you to rate your approval level of a statement on a scale of like 1-5, one being "strongly disagree" and five being "strongly agree?" Do you find yourself hitting ones and fives mostly, or have you typically been a "threes" kind of person?

I'm a threes kind of person and it bugs the shit out of me.

Now, for a long time, I didn't really care. Part of me assumed that it just meant I was a more likeable person since I was fairly neutral on things. I could, theoretically, get along with everyone.

But, do I need to?

I mean, remaining neutral does make it easier to be "liked and accepted" by other people, but, is it not also a way for us to allow people into our lives that aren't good for us in the long term? And I’m not talking just romantic relationships, but friendships too. For me, I've been guilty about allowing people in my life that do more "taking" than anything. You know the kind – they only want to talk about their problems and tend to blow yours off.

Maybe being so neutral is just inviting too large a crowd to interact with us. Are we making good connections while remaining neutral? Where do the real connections with other people come from?

Don't get me wrong, I know many people find great value in a large number of connections, but, I tend to feel that the quality of the connections are more important. Contrasting opinions and ideas can help to narrow down the crowd of people and bring you closer to more meaningful connections with others.

I think it's been hard to see, for me, how being neutral in conversations or my opinions hasn't really been helping me to make any new friends or build stronger bonds with people. I've just defaulted to neutrality and haven't questioned it much. The thing is, if we're standing in that position of neutrality, will another person see anything that encourages them to learn more? To show interest? To build and grow a connection? Can neutrality BE an interesting position?

Making those first connections with people are important, of course, but so is surrounding ourselves with people who "get" and respect us and value whatever opinions we may have. Even if they're different.

Anyway.

I also feel, to some extent, that being a threes kind of person means that I'm less likely to experience the highs and lows of life that are generally an integral part of being a human and living life. For instance, I've made the decision to start yoga and meditation at home. I was talking with my friend after my first go at it, and she asked me if I'd felt a difference. While I wouldn't jump to saying "no, not really," I couldn't also provide a "yes, I think so." It's always "maybe?" The question mark is important there.

It's like I'm living in a constant state of "I don't know". I need to spend a lot of time information gathering before I'll move into a strong position, either for or against something. Am I a threes kind of person because it's harder for me to access my emotions? Does this go back to that place where I was a child, requesting my parents refer to me as a child and not a kid, and not having enough information to explain the distinction, causing me to feel stupid and frustrated? Maybe it's because I don't want to feel strongly about something, only to be harshly schooled later on why I should feel differently? Maybe I've been accused of not knowing what I'm talking about so I wait until I do know more before I "choose a side?" So I don't look stupid? So I won't be judged?

Living in the mental middle also coincides with indecisiveness and the inability to accept compliments, for me anyway.

"Where do you want to eat?"

Oh, I don't know. I don't really want a burger though, and not mickey d's. So, whatever.

"How are you doing?"

Oh, I'm present and accounted for!

"Oh, you got your hair cut! I like it!"

Oh, thanks. It's hair.

"How did that make you feel?"

Ehhh...uhh...I don't know...I was supposed to be paying attention to feelings?

"What do you do for fun?"

Um. Well...nothing really. I have chickens, right? I don't really have time for anything else...

"How was your class?"

It was class lol. We learned things. I need to work on these things more, but it was a class.

It all feels dull and neutral to me. Dull and neutral makes it hard for people to connect. Whyyyyyyyy do I doooooooooooo this??? And yes, these are things I say...Oooofph.

When I was trying to work on learning my values and how to set personal boundaries (which I can't say I've accomplished a whole lot there, if I'm being honest), many of the questionnaires out there ask that you go back to a time in your life where you were your happiest. I guess so you can get a feel for what that feeling actually feels like so you can get a better idea on whether something in your life is actually working for you or not.

You know what I came up with?

The times my mom took me to horse shows as a child and we walked around looking at the horses tied to the trailers. Some, I would go up to and pet and just take in their glorious, earthy aroma. Now, as an adult, I'm slightly mortified that my mom let me do that, mainly because those horses weren't there for kids to randomly go up to and pet! Gah. But. It did make my shy little heart happy. There was even one time that someone else actually let me ride their horse and it freaking made my day!

But.

What the hell does that have to do with values? All it really tells me is that animals make me happier than people. I can connect happiness with horses easily.

But what else makes me happy? Do I ever feel happy and just subdue it because I can't allow myself to be "too" happy? Sometimes I feel like that's the case. Like I'm just not allowed to be too happy because something or someone is going to come along and crush that happiness. They're going to see that I'm happy and find a way to destroy it or steal it away. So, if I only show a little bit of happiness, then I won't be at risk of someone else's desire to take it away from me. Or if they do still try to take it away from me, it wasn't a "big happiness" so it's not a big deal if they do it.

What a fucking ridiculous pill to swallow.

Oh oh! What if, instead, it's that when something finally changes my mood, it'll be SEEN? Like, if I'm visibly happy, and then I go to visibly sad. That *I* will suddenly be seen because now I'm not happy. And then here come the barrage of questions, "why aren't you happy? What's wrong? Is it something I did? Is there something I can do to help?"

I do realize how absurd some of this sounds, but sometimes, that's what you have to do to really tear down auto-responses to see things for what they really are – broken mechanisms.

Being neutral all the time is a broken mechanism for me. It's a safety net meant to keep me small, unnoticed, and by proxy – safe. But, I'm not living. There are so few things I get excited about, like REALLY excited about and they're so infrequent in my life, it's not often I get to experience the feelings. And it's something I've done to myself to avoid being seen. My instinct to go unnoticed to protect myself has been keeping me from living, from FEELING what being alive really is all about.

Guys. That's fucking terrible to realize.

In the back of my head...hell...maybe even in the front, I know that the human experience is supposed to have its ups and downs. You can't really enjoy the full breadth of the ups without experiencing the brevity of the downs. The highs and lows are meant to balance, in a way. But...man...is this how it feels like for you other threes? Just walking the tightrope of maintaining middle ground?

I never liked the balance beams as a kid. I sure as hell loved the swings though. The push off to get the swing started, moving the body forward and legs behind center to push backwards; moving the body backward and legs in front of center to push forward; back and forth; increasing the height of the swing; the air pushing across the skin on the face; either pushing or pulling hair...And then in some situations, the sheer exhilaration from launching off of the swing in midair, limbs and ground be damned!

I think my garden needs a swing.

Yes. Yes, my garden DOES need a swing.

Anywho, thanks for listening guys! Your support means a lot to me, even if it's just a simple share on social media or to a friend or family member who you feel might enjoy the podcast too. Also, I can't forget to give a shout out to both Kevin MacLeod at Incompetech.com and Scott Buckley at scottbuckley.com.au for the music transitions they  provided for use in the show. If you want to shoot me an email, it's questionyourgarden@gmail.com Be sure to check out the show notes for any links or additional information from the episode.

Until next time, keep weeding!

Intro Audio:
"Cold Sober" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

Transition Audio:
"Wonderful" Scott Buckley (scottbuckley.com.au)