0005-Voice - Why speaking up matters

How many times have you chosen to silence yourself out of fear of judgement or even oppression? Did you know that sometimes, simply speaking up to the right audience can encourage someone else to take action? I understand that fear, as it's consumed me for many, many years.  

There's value in sharing though; value in challenging what others may consider to be "too much information." Someone else out there wants and needs to hear your words. Let's take a look at what it might be like to find our voice and shed the fears, at least enough to speak.  

Transcript from the show: 
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When I first mentioned starting this podcast to my husband, he seemed both surprised and intrigued. He didn't ask a lot about my ideas, initially, probably guessing I'd willingly just share them. And, I will share my ideas...but not usually without being asked for more information first. That's for another podcast though *chuckle*

Anywho, a couple days pass and he finally asks me what the podcast is about. So, I give him a synopsis of the garden metaphor and my intent to just talk about my own shit, as a way to encourage others to look at *their* own shit. He nodded, then asked, "and...like are you going to share this with your friends or?" Yes, yes I am, and whoever else wants to have a listen. He wasn't sure how far I was willing to go with telling the things that have happened to me or my process of dissecting my life and the things that have otherwise impacted who I am.

It wasn't his intention, but it demonstrates the concern that others have about sharing "too much" information. As though the things that happened to me while growing up would be embarrassing and maybe be an invitation for shame. An invitation for others to judge me.

It's true. That very well may happen. Someone could come across this podcast and just cherry pick their way through it to glean all these terrible things that make me incapable for whatever reason. I think it's all a matter of context. Anything anyone says, taken out of context, could likely be twisted to suit an opposite meaning than was intended. God, we see it all the time with a bunch of shit, mostly political shit, that's posted and shared all around social media. One quote, misquoted, could mean certain social demise.

Nearly all my life, I've let fear and guilt define me. I have let them both silence me and dictate my actions, or lack thereof. They've talked me into remaining small and unseen.

Now, in my adult body, living my adult life, I'm seeing the damage that both the fear and the guilt are doing and have done to me. I let fear decide whether or not I explore various creative outlets because, what will others think of what I make? I let guilt dictate things I do or don't do. I "should on myself" a lot. Everyone else's voices are in my head, telling me how I should feel, what I should be doing, what I shouldn't be doing, judging me, judging the things I do or want to do; all in the name of either trying to be "helpful" or in some cases, getting their own needs met.

If I can't use my voice as I see fit, whose voice am I speaking in? Whose voice am I living life through? Why shouldn't my own voice be heard? Why would I make my voice feel lesser to someone else's just for keeping the peace? If someone else can be heard, why can't I?

I've spent too many years worried about what other people think. I've got many more years ahead of me where it's STILL going to be a factor in my life, make no mistake of that. But sometimes, you just have to do something radical to effect a change.

So here I am, being radical, putting my shit out there for consumption.

Growing up, I was the listener in my group of friends. People could tell me things and I learned some about how other people managed and navigated their own lives. My introspective nature, completely different from theirs, allowed me the opportunity to occasionally throw tidbits of wisdom their way; an alternative way of thinking or doing things to help them get unstuck. I was certainly better at helping others get unstuck than I was at helping myself, although I was trapped, to a point. That'll be better explained in a different podcast though.

There were other times too that my venting about my own life encouraged others in my social circle to muster up their own strength to power through their bullshit. For instance, a family member was in a shitty, abusive relationship. When you're being abused, your mind has a way of negating the abuse, excusing it away, making you fearful of the things you don't know. Maybe it also makes you fear being alone. But, my outward "strength" and "decisiveness" in leaving one relationship to go tend to myself provided that person with an alternative perspective – another female forging out "into the wild" on her own with the determination and willpower to make it because staying in the same situation was no longer a viable option.

Now, I've mentioned previously how I clam up and can't speak. That's a "most of the time" thing and not an "all the time" thing. But usually, especially how it relates to friendships and relationships, my voice tends to return when I'm DONE with the relationship and no longer care if I'm hurting feelings. This is also another primary reason why I've sought out therapy. I was dangerously close to reaching that point of just being DONE and that would be incredibly unfair to the man I married, ya know? He didn't tell me to shut up or silence myself. That was my own choice based on my own broken mechanisms for survival.

Truthfully, I "should" a lot on other people, but never tell them these things. It's all "conditional" chatter in the back of my head. "If they cared, they should do this. If they wanted it to be like this, they should have done that." All the while, I never say a word on what I think "should" happen in any given scenario. I can be pretty hypocritical when I double back around and apply those same "shoulds" to myself. "Well, if they want help they should just ask!" Meanwhile, here I am, not asking for help because that's not something I do. And cue *guilt.*

All that "should-ing" on myself and other people, all those unspoken expectations, all that guilt and fear – those are the things that silence me. It makes me feel broken, especially when I notice the hypocrisy in my thoughts and feelings.

So, what better way to overcome those things than to tell people my flaws and hang-ups? I want to be seen and understood, but I'm afraid of being seen which leads to me being misunderstood. While I'm still  afraid of putting myself out there, another part of me recognizes that I need a push. I need to do something different. I need to stop hiding in the shadows that society has cast for us with the towering trees of judgement and peek through and out. To part some of the leaves from the understory and say, "oh hi, I'm here!"

This may not work. This may blow up in my face. But, it's also something I haven't tried before. It's something vastly different from anything I've ever done before. I have to try. I can't continue to let the fear of others' opinions of myself and the things I do or enjoy doing stop my voice from making any sound.

And, what if it works? What if sharing in this way gets me to use my voice more with the people around me? What if sharing the bits and pieces of my story actually helps another person with a breakthrough? What if hearing my words gives another person that confirmation they needed that they aren't alone in their own thoughts or feelings? That they aren't *actually* broken?

I want to be a positive example for others. To do that, I need to slowly start shedding the fear. And I'm starting that here, with this podcast. It's early yet, but if in the future my words have helped in even the smallest of ways, please shoot me a quick note and let me know. While I'm sitting here, promising to let fear go a little bit at a time, some encouraging nuggets from other people will go a long way in helping me continue to press forward. As much as I hate to admit it, a little pat on the back is nice every now and again.

Don't be afraid to talk about your garden with others. There's no shame in admitting that you have plants that just don't seem to grow well. Sharing your stories with others can be the best way to finding a possible solution to fix some of the stuff that just isn't growing well or even surviving. And yes, there may be times you hear things you don't want to hear, like how one particular plant that you're attached to is what's killing off some plants or stealing nutrients from others, causing them to decline or develop slowly. And hell, maybe just the simple act of telling someone else what you've been having troubles with in your own garden will help you see the things you couldn't see before, because you weren't saying the words; because you weren't hearing your own words.

Anyway, thanks for listening guys! Your support means a lot to me, even if it's just a simple share on social media or to a friend or family member who you feel might enjoy the podcast too. Don't forget to send me an email at questionyourgarden@gmail.com if you have something you'd like to share with me. Also, I can't forget to give a shout out to both Kevin MacLeod at Incompetech.com and Scott Buckley at scottbuckley.com.au for the music transitions they provided for use in the show. Be sure to check out the show notes for any links or additional information from the episode.

Until next time, keep weeding!

Intro Audio: "Cold Sober" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) 

Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 

http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/  

  

Transition Audio: 

"Wonderful" Scott Buckley (scottbuckley.com.au)