0007-Family Toxicity - Don't obligate yourself to relationships that aren't healthy




Feeling some stress about attending some upcoming family functions? You don't have to attend, just in case you needed to hear it from someone else. It's okay to take care of YOU above others, especially during the holidays and especially if your sanity depends on it.

Transcript from the show:
_____________________

Oh is it NOT the most wonderful time of the year, or what?? What with Thanksgiving and Christmas and all the other winter holidays in between?

For some, it's actually not. There's this constant noise being thrown at all of us about making connections and spending time with family and friends and loved ones and spreading joy and and and. This is the time of year where it's strongly encouraged and heavily expected that you'll be traveling to some family members' home to meet up with other family members. The "American Dream" version of this idyllic scenario is one where everyone is laughing and hugging and enjoying the time spent with each other.

Shit, when I think about that version, I kinda like the idea of it too. The idea of warmth shared between people; the smiles; the camaraderie; the making of memories and having fun...

Don't get me wrong, I understand many people experience that and oh how beautiful! I mean that!

But so many others are going back and forth on whether or not to attend some family function or this or that or the other. Why? Because one, some, or all of the people in attendance cause a massive drain on that person. So they're stuck with opting out to maintain their sanity, or opting in "to keep the peace" and subjecting themselves to whatever toxicity exists in the relationship between them and the person or people attending. 

While not holiday specific, I want to share what it looked like for me when I started opting out with my own family.

So, I endured sexual abuse as a child. For my mom's sake (ridiculous, I know), I pretended things were "okay" if I had to be in the same room as my abuser. As the years wore on, it started to piss me off that I had to pretend to be okay with him for her sake. It was wearing on me that "pretending" was more acceptable than acknowledging the fact that I didn't want to have any level of interaction with the man.

I'd stopped inviting them over for any holidays. I limited my phone calls. I quit falling prey to the obligation of calling him on his birthday or father's day, or even acknowledging such on Facebook.

When my grandmother landed in the hospital and was dying, a bunch of my family were in the hospital with one of my aunts from overseas on the phone. I remember at one point that the ol' stepbastard thought he could reach over and grab my hand as some sort of consoling gesture. I pulled it away. Though it terrified me to do it, I diverted my eyes and pulled my hand away. That was MY hand.

Nothing was ever said about it.

By the time it came for my mom to pass away, a few years later, I went so far as to blatantly refuse to attend her services, which was just an intimate meeting of some of the family members in her remembrance.

Go ahead – feel those feelings about my decision – that it was a petty move. It's okay. I don't mind.

I warned the family members that I cared about prior to the event that I would not...could not...make it to the memorial for her. I apologized to them, and carefully explained that now that my mom was gone, I refused to pretend that I was okay with spending any amount of time with the stepbastard anymore.

It was for MY sanity that I cut those ties. It was for MY sanity that I chose not to put myself into an uncomfortable position because it was "expected" of me. No one else had to live with the feelings that I would experience  if I attended. And because of that, it wasn't worth going. My other family members made sure I got some of her ashes. Fortunately, even though I may not be close with my family – fucking hell they get it. Not once did they attempt to guilt me for my decision not to attend. Sure, they could have still thought some shitty things about me behind my back, but – I DON'T CARE. IT WASN'T ABOUT THEM.

Please, call me a piece of shit for protecting myself. It's my life. No one else is living it. And, I'd like to think that after so many years of pretending something isn't a problem, I can finally own my voice in this respect and make a choice on what bullshit I will and won't put up with.

You have that choice too. Assuming you're an adult, living on your own, that is. If you haven't or can't move out of the house yet, bide your time. At some point, you DO get that choice.

And when you get that choice, own it. Your choices are for YOU. YOU are living this life. YOU don't have to share your life with people who are dangerous or otherwise unhealthy for you to be around. And no, I don't care if they're blood family or not.

I understand that these people may have done things for you in the past, and maybe you feel indebted to them, in some way, for whatever they did. There is a difference though, between being appreciative and thankful for the help one received in the past to feeling obligated to stick around because they helped you out that one time, yet hold it over your head like an anvil to keep you where they want you - in a way that works for them.

Remember, you didn't choose the garden that was planted for you. But you can damn sure pick and choose what is allowed to stay, and WHO is allowed to continue to visit. Now that YOU are managing your garden, YOU get to call the shots. Your garden doesn't have to be open to the public, but it can be, if you want. Likewise, you can lock the garden behind a heavy iron gate too, if you want. Just...be aware of the maintenance that each entails. I'm not suggesting to hide and hoard the beauty of your garden for just yourself, but you certainly don't need to invite everyone in for a looksee, even if they contributed to the contents.

If you must and if it helps, uproot the plant they contributed to, pot it up, then deliver it nicely to their door as a parting gift. Although truthfully, depending on how terrible the plant is that they put there, I'd probably just set the damn thing on fire. Send its ashes back to the garden to find a new use, in a new form, to encourage growth in the others. Remember, this is your garden.

Anyway, thanks for listening guys! Your support means a lot to me, even if it's just a simple share on social media or to a friend or family member who you feel might enjoy the podcast too. Don't forget to send me an email at questionyourgarden@gmail.com if you have something you'd like to share with me. Also, I can't forget to give a shout out to both Kevin MacLeod at Incompetech.com and Scott Buckley at scottbuckley.com.au for the music transitions they provided for use in the show. Be sure to check out the show notes for any links or additional information from the episode.


Until next time, keep weeding!


Intro Audio:
"Cold Sober"Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0

Transition Audio:
"Wonderful"Scott Buckley (scottbuckley.com.au)

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