0010-The Lies I Tell Myself - A look at negative self-talk
A synopsis - many of us are in abusive relationships with ourselves. Negative self-talk is one of the worst things we can do to ourselves, but - we keep doing it! It's time to start asking ourselves some hard questions and to poke holes in the things we habitually tell ourselves.
Transcript from the show:
_____________________
So many times, while
working on the drafts for this show or just thinking about publishing episodes,
in general, I've told myself "It's not worth it." "It"
being the show and my words. My thoughts. My efforts. Maybe even me, as a person.
The thing is, it's
done what I needed it to do, I think. It's allowed me to speak my words. Now,
it's debatable on whether or not others have found value in what I've had to
say, but again, this show was ultimately for ME. I'm OVER THE MOON at the idea
that anyone actually LISTENS to the crap I talk about, don't get me wrong, but
in the end, it was for ME.
How is that not
worth it?
Negative self-talk
is SO defeating. Yet, here we are slinging slurs and putting ourselves and our
dreams and desires down, like they're trash.
"Dumb
bitch."
"Why do you
even bother?"
"You can't do
anything right."
"You're so
fucking lazy."
"You're not
that good, no matter what others say."
"You suck at
this."
"Your opinions
don't matter."
I remember when my
therapist was talking through some things with me like the past abuse and other
things from my childhood and how it shaped me. We talked about some of the
shitty, negative things I say about myself today, as an adult. That's when she
asked me how it would feel if I said those things to my 12 year old self.
Something about that
thought made me cry.
Like...the
realization that it's what I'm *actually* doing to myself. I saw my adult self
loudly scolding my younger self, and younger self just standing there,
dumbstruck - not wanting to react but dying on the inside at the words that
were being said.
I've been taking
today's harmful words and slinging them at this inner kid of mine because,
technically, all this shit started there at those young ages when I was so
ill-equipped with life experience to do any better. My pain started there
(surprise!). But abusing that inner kid hasn't mattered to me. It hasn't
occurred to me that it's what I'm doing.
I view myself as
flawed and since no one else will be honest
with me about my flaws, I need to make sure that SOMEONE tells me about myself.
That someone's me. And that someone is verbally kicking the shit out of a child
who wasn't afforded a well-rounded upbringing and who went through some shit
that no kid should have to go through.
The other fucked up
part to all this – I don't remember my parents ever actually saying these
things to me. Somewhere along the way, I decided that these were things I
needed to hear. And those things moved in, got cozy, and now assert themselves
in my life on a daily basis.
Can you imagine how
much MORE harmful those things are to people who grew up ACTUALLY hearing them
from their own damn family?
Yall, their voices
are not yours! And shit, your voice may be parroting other negative shit you've
heard along the way, thinking you need to be brutalized into action :( That's
not fucking fair.
I've realized for a
while now that negative self-talk is a problem for me. Realizing it is a good
thing, but one also needs to make efforts to redirect or, ideally, change those
words.
I'll be honest, the
best I've really been able to do at this point is catch myself in the act, or
after the words have left my lips. The words come out and I go quiet and think
to myself, "that's that negative shit again, Alicia."
Other times,
something has triggered me into a tirade and no matter how much my subconscious
is nagging at me "here we go again with this negative shit," I can't
fucking stop. I guess, in a small way, it's letting me feel whatever pent up
anger I've been shoving away. But. It really is an attack on myself and the
things around me...like...
"Come on dogs,
let's go potty. Oh, I bet you already pissed in the house somewhere didn't you?
Why don't you take a shit? Why are we back out here if you aren't going to do
anything? You just have to waste my time, don't you? It's not like *I* don't
have things *I* want to do or anything. I don't fucking matter. My time doesn't
matter. Just take whatever you want. I'm here to serve you. Fuck me. Fuck what
I want. I just want to go to bed but noooooooooooo here we are not doing
anything outside again. Might as well fucking go inside if you're not gonna do
anything. Why do you have to drink so much water before bed? You better not pee
on my floor. Better not shit on the floor either because I fucking took you out
and tried and I don't have time to be fucking with that in the morning because
I have a million other things to do then. Why the fuck is all this shit in the
damn sink? Oh, that's right. You didn't bother doing the dishes. And why are
these boxes on the table again? And how did all this shit get on my desk again?
Dammit, I forgot to make eggs for the birds. Fuck up. Figures. Can't do
anything right, can you, Alicia? Gahh why are you crying at me, dog? We're
going to bed eventually, just get off my nuts, okay? I have shit to do. I
always have shit to do. I don't know why I bother. I'm not here to do anything
for myself so what the fuck is the point?"
Anyway. Yeah. You
get the gist.
I go on those long
rants when my husband has gone to bed and I'm finally alone with my thoughts in
the quiet of the house. I don't dare do them in front of another person. I just
can't seem to bring that kind of anger and self-hatred out in the presence of
another person. I guess I don't want anyone trying to argue back with me and
call me out on my thoughts or my redirected anger.
You know, it'd
probably be less of a problem if I talked about things that bother me as they
come up, instead of shutting them away. I usually don't feel important enough
to demand that others listen to me. Especially not when I know my inside
thoughts can be so hateful and condescending.
Meanwhile, the dogs
are left to hear me spew my vitriol. I feel guilt for that too. Even though
it's just words, they can tell something's wrong and do their best to shrink in
size too; to stay away.
And, even though my
brain is trying to tell me that the words coming out of my mouth aren't
necessarily true, I'm not listening in that moment. Not in the moment of my
tirades, anyway. Gah.
I just had a thought
- what would happen if I had a real live human to actually listen to my tirades
in real-time, silently? IF - *IF* I were able to even go on my rant, I'd still
have to do it without looking at them. I'd have to just spew my venom until I
was done being a heartless little shit and then! Then, I'd probably just
crumble into a ball of tears, hating myself for my words. Hating myself for my
feelings. Hating myself for letting another person see me angry and hearing the
shit that comes out of my head.
That's a pretty
vulnerable place to be - to step into. The thought of it makes me cringe.
Do I cringe because
of the vulnerability? Because I know the other person would feel the need to
interject all those terrible words with what they view as facts - opposite of
my "lies"?
This is a plant that
I don't understand. I can't seem to find its roots, but it sure seems to dance
along gleefully amongst the other plants, showing its alluring but infrequent
blooms.
Or wait. Is it a
plant that's off in a secret part of the garden that I don't visit often? Are
there other plants surrounding it that shield it most of the time? Do I need to
open up the path to where it lives? Do I need to uproot this plant and just chuck
it? Does it need more attention so it doesn't demand everything I've got in me
when I go back there? Is this plant a representative of repressed emotions? Of
unmet needs? Of a voice that needs a sounding board?
Look. There are
times when questioning your garden doesn't outwardly reveal the answers you
need. I'm seeing that clearly today. I want to end this episode with something
more tangible for you to work with but sometimes, the questions alone have to
be enough.
We like closure, as
humans. A lot of our troubles revolve around things we don't have closure on.
Sometimes, the simple act of taking the time to ask yourself some tough
questions - those that don't have immediate answers - are necessary to make
yourself aware of the fact that something's a problem. It's so easy for us to
get trapped with a superficial understanding of what's happening with or to us,
that we get stuck.
If you want to get
unstuck, you need to start asking deeper questions. And if the questions aren't
generating answers, pretend the scenarios where you act out a behavior or
feelings are different, just to see what other feelings come up.
What changes when
you change the circumstances?
Pretending that
someone else has actually heard one of my tirades sends me from a place of
anger to a place of sorrow and shame. Anger is easy for me to feel, but sorrow
and shame - those hurt. Those hurt a LOT more. And because they hurt so much
more, they deserve a bit of extra attention to figure out why. What's the
disconnect? What else is in there that causes the pain? What things could be
done to change how these feelings are perceived?
Sometimes, we need
to make the time to just sit in our garden and notice what's really there,
without judgement on its beauty or "value." And. It's also okay to
let the mind wander and rearrange the garden. Imagine the plants in different
locations and explore how that makes you feel. You aren't making any actual
changes but can still play around with ideas to see if something else might
work for you.
Anywho, thanks for
listening guys! Your support means a lot to me, even if it's just a simple
share on social media or to a friend or family member who you feel might enjoy
the podcast too. Don't forget to send me an email at
questionyourgarden@gmail.com if you have something you'd like to share with me.
Also, I can't forget to give a shout out to both Kevin MacLeod at
Incompetech.com and Scott Buckley at scottbuckley.com.au for the music
transitions they provided for use in the show. Be sure to check out the show
notes for any links or additional information from the episode.
Until next time,
keep weeding!
Intro Audio: "Cold Sober" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0
Transition Audio:
"Wonderful" Scott Buckley (scottbuckley.com.au)
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