0011-Abandoning Dreams - Reasons I quit

Have you explored the reasons why you quit things, or abandon your dreams? Do you "not try" to reach your dreams? Here, I take some time to dive into things that have halted me in my tracks. Can you relate?

Transcript from the show:
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Today's topic is one that's been pervasive in my life for a while. It needs some scrutiny too, especially since I started this whole podcast out by quote unquote bitching about being only recognized by or known for chickens.

I have a fairly long track record of starting things and not finishing them; having grand ideas and then not seeing them through to completion.

I drew a lot, as a child. I was fairly decent at it too. As I progressed through high school, life got in the way and I found less time to draw. I've thought about starting up again, over the years, but have wanted to get into digital artwork instead. I mean, there's just SO much you can do with digital media!

But I'll be honest, pinning down the time to learn these new techniques and actually practice...it's been overwhelming to the point that I just don't. 

I've ALWAYS wanted to be a writer – or at least get a book or two published. It just always feels like my creativity hits a wall after a chapter or two, then I give up.

After seeing some kick ass sculpting work, I wanted to get into clay sculpture making too. In my head, I felt I could manipulate the details on the clay quite well. When I bought some stuff to get started though...it was way harder than it looked and since I didn't pick up on it immediately, I just put all the things down.

I ran pit bull rescue for a while and did really well! We were making a difference!

And then, my world started changing. I needed more help from volunteers and couldn't get it pinned down. I may have had trouble letting things go as well which only made it more difficult to get others involved. In the end, I didn't have the time, money, or mental capacity to continue forward and had to dissolve the rescue. It was one of the hardest decisions I'd ever had to make.

I blogged for a while, but again, life "got in the way" and I ran out of time and creativity to devote to more content.

My next interest was with photography. I stuck with it for quite a while and while I have improved, I've given up on the idea of making a career of it. I don't think I'm good enough to warrant having anyone pay me and the thought of royally fucking up someone's pictures makes me want to find a huge rock to crawl under. I'll still take photos when the mood strikes, but I've stopped looking and researching on things that could encourage continued growth.

Managing a farm and livestock has always been a lifelong interest of mine and is what ultimately led to my start with chickens. I figured I could get some fun birds and enjoy their eggs. Then I wanted to try hatching. And then I thought I could sell chicks. And then I started scheming up genetic projects. And now, while I'm still going to keep most of my birds, I'm looking at scaling back and only keeping my favorites and working on a single genetic project for my own personal enjoyment. I've sunk a lot of money into the hobby in hopes to get a bit of "return on investment" to at least break even with expenses. That hasn't happened either and it's left me with some feelings of disappointment and defeat.

Like, with a full-time job, I only have so many hours a day available to me to work on any sort of marketing, or meeting up with people, or general care of the birds as a whole. And without getting involved in a specific poultry improvement program, I can't ship any birds to people that are further away. Not like I'd really have the time for shipping things out either!

That time available (or lack thereof) has me hesitating on getting any other farm animals as well. I want goats, but why would I get goats if I don't have the time to spend with them? I want horses, but why would I get horses if I don't have the time to spend with them, much less ride them? I want some donkeys or mules too, but again, why, if there's not enough time to have with them?

One would think that maybe I should look at changing my employment but...without my employment, I couldn't afford all the things I want either! That and I do happen to like what I do.

And now, here I am on a new endeavor – podcasting. I've gone into this with a small hope of a little bit of cash flow occasionally, but a VERY tiny one. The leading purpose has been for my own mental health and working to push me out of my cozy chair. At least this time, I've gone into it expecting some level of "failure" in the future. There's going to come a time where my life shifts in such a way that continuing to get on the mic isn't something I'm going to do anymore.

But until then, I'm going to try to make the best of it. Honestly, it's probably been the "easiest" thing of everything listed for me to have gotten involved in. Well, at least up until the point that someone comes along and either leaves me a scathing review for me "running my mouth" when I have no business doing so, or that point where someone tries to take what I've said and otherwise attempt to ruin my life with my own words. The internet's a scary place...

Anywho.

People have tried to build me up and encourage me. They make suggestions and "do the right thing" so that I feel less inclined to quit. I commend them for their efforts, especially since I can be a bit of a pain in the ass to deal with when I'm feeling like crap about something.

The truth is, abandoning my dreams has many underlying reasons.

I'm scared. I'm afraid to fail. I'm afraid of people seeing me, even though I want to be seen. The fear makes me feel defeated and helpless.

I don't want to feel stupid. I don't want to be judged for what I create. I don't want to attack my own self for not being good enough when something doesn't turn out like I'd planned or envisioned. If you've listed to episode 10, The Lies I Tell Myself, it'll make sense why I may be a bit apprehensive about overcoming the fears I have of myself. I'm not very nice to me.

I never feel like I have enough time. Others demand time from me and I haven't valued making time for myself. I mean...my boss has to remind me to take time off, otherwise I'm going to lose my vacation days that I've accrued. It's not that I'm a workaholic, I just don't find any sense in taking time off if I don't have something to do in place of the time that I'm typically needed at work.

I've not been able to set boundaries. I won't ask for help. Excuses are easier to come by.

Very rarely has anything I've wanted to do ever been so much of a priority that I demand time for it. That I make time for it. That I defend my right to create and explore, no matter how "terrible" the outcome.

It does tend to feel that my time is not my own and I'm so loaded with fear that demanding time for myself just isn't worth trying to fight through that fear. It doesn't help that so many people are used to me agreeing to help or be a part of things either. Since I haven't valued my time, why should they?

The fear hampers my motivation. The fear dictates what I will or won't do. The fear feeds me excuses and I willingly take them because it's better than possibly getting hurt, yes?

Hah.

How do I learn to dream so big that I have to chase it, fear be damned? That I have to do whatever is reasonably necessary to reach that dream? That I have to understand that I AM capable, despite my willingness to give up in the past?

Another part of me has to wonder if it's just not a simple fact that I'm not quite comfortable with myself…that I don't trust myself.

When I step to the side and consider that I have time in the evenings to learn to draw again, or to wander away to go write for a bit, I reject it because I'm not alone. That was a problem with the photography as well. I found trouble in actually "creating" because other people were or would be present. Friends offered to have me visit and do whatever, without expectation, just so I could get the practice in on shooting around other people, but I just flat out refused. I couldn't. The fear gripped me at the mere thought of driving to their house with my equipment and taking photos in a different environment.

Why does another person's presence, or potential presence, cause me to put on the brakes? Why am I letting that stop me from pursuing things I'm interested in?

I mean, I don't really want to be asked questions about what I'm creating or why, especially when it's just a matter of me exploring or learning how to do something. And if they give input on what I'm doing, without me asking for it, it almost feels like…like they're taking it away from me…like, my creations aren't mine to create. Like, I'm not good enough to be doing what I'm doing.

Could it be that I'm tired of being at risk of feeling like I'm not "good enough" based on my interpretation of someone else's actions in response to what I'm doing?

Is that my default response to someone's inquiry on what I'm doing? Do I instantly get annoyed with the question because I think it'll just pave the way for them to say something that makes me feel like I'm not good enough?

It seems my aversion to it all is feeling "not good enough." I don't make the time because "I'm not good enough." I don't create because "I'm not good enough." I want all my practice to be in private so I can try to fight (or ignore) those feelings that I'm not good enough. Nevermind that I'll never be good enough if I don't put in the time!

I abandon my dreams because I don't feel that I'm "good enough" to chase them.

I can't wait to fucking unravel THAT one in therapy. It doesn't matter how often or in what ways I may hear from other people that they think I'm good enough, or more than enough, until *I* believe that I'm good enough as I am, that thought is going to persist.

That belief is going to stand in the way of my dreams and keep encouraging me to quit.

I'm not sure, yet, on where that belief is, in the garden. I also kinda wish I knew who all had a hand in planting that one too, because I'd really like to just kick them in the shins one good time.  That's not nice. I digress.

It kinda feels like it's one of those pretty fence hedges whose branches were woven together over the years until it created a strong, physical barrier. Was this planted around my creativity? Around my core sense of self? Maybe it's time to cut a couple of gates into that fence. Invite people in every now and again.

Maybe.

Anyway, thanks for listening guys! Your support means a lot to me, even if it's just a simple share on social media or to a friend or family member who you feel might enjoy the podcast too. Also, I can't forget to give a shout out to both Kevin MacLeod at Incompetech.com and Scott Buckley at scottbuckley.com.au for the music transitions they  provided for use in the show. If you want to shoot me an email, it's questionyourgarden@gmail.com Be sure to check out the show notes for any links or additional information from the episode.

Until next time, keep weeding!

Intro Audio:
"Cold Sober"Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)

Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0

http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

Transition Audio:

"Wonderful"Scott Buckley (scottbuckley.com.au)