0018-Birthdays - "Special" days come with baggage

This isn't just about my birthday, for the record. If you know folks with "special" birthdays, have a listen. It's important to make sure that they know they exist outside of calendar holidays too.

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Transcript from episode:

So.  You'll notice I skipped a week again. And if you haven't, well…carry on then!

It feels like the last few weeks have been busier in my world. Granted, I'm trying to actually do more chores and such these days, and spend less time on social media. It still feels skewed a bit. I had chicks hatch around Valentine's Day and normally can get at least half the chicks sold quickly. This year though, I haven't been able to commit to a time to meet up with people, so I haven't even really advertised them to get them sold!

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't considering scaling back on the chickens in a massive kind of way. I love them SO much, but with all the changes that seem to be happening, I'm struggling finding a balance with the time that's needed to give to all the things that need attention - like me, and my marriage.

Anyway. I skipped a week for a few reasons.

One, my brain was not cooperating with writing out content. I'd stare at the screen and write a sentence or two then feel the need to do some research to make sure what I was saying had validity. And then I'd go back to the page and just stare, unable to bring forth words without them sounding "pushed."

Two,  I finally decided that I needed to quit fretting about the cost of a vacation and just schedule one. So, in May, my husband and I are going to visit north Georgia for a week for our 6th anniversary. And, I have to say I'm super excited about it! The cabin is cute, secluded, and is OVER its own private lake. Like, we could totally fish from the porch. I've got some waterfalls earmarked to visit, and definitely some horseback riding too. I may also drag out the camera and see what other things inspire me while there.

We'll see. It's like two months away at this point.

Anyway.

Moving on to the REAL topic of discussion now.

I have a "special" birthday. Not like Christmas or 4th of July special, but special nonetheless.

I only have a birthday on the calendar every 4 years. Yep, I'm a Leap Year Baby. And no, 2019 isn't a leap year so I didn't "get" a birthday this year. (And I'll be "9" next year, to answer that question)

Oh, when do I celebrate it in the off years? Well, I can't speak for others with the same birthday, but *I* choose to celebrate my birthday, every year, on the LAST day of February. I was born in February, not March, ya know?

Thing is, on the off years…well…

It's easy for people to forget my birthday since it's not actually on the calendar. It's not an ACTUAL day so there's not a whole lot to remind someone that, "oh hey someone's birthday is today!"

And then.

Because people aren't really sure "when" I might celebrate my birthday, they take advantage of having both days to send me well wishes. I suppose I should be glad for well wishes at all, but … it makes the off-years a really lackluster affair.

Like, did you ACTUALLY remember, or you noticed someone else say something and wanted to make it seem like you DIDN'T forget? So the extra day gives you a pass to procrastinate?

Inherently, I know leap year babies aren't that common so it's something new for people to imagine and play around with in their own heads on how it might work. I know most people do NOT mean harm with their jokes and questions. Hell, for the longest time, I've reveled in the little "secret" I carry that's fun to talk about when it comes up. It's a thing that makes me "different" and "identifiable," I guess.

My birthday this year, though…it's felt different this year. I guess you could chalk it up to trying to become more aware of my feelings on the whole.

In the past, I've given people a pass for "forgetting" or not knowing, especially in the off-years. It's been no big deal because birthdays are just another day.

This year, the two people closest to me remembered late. (And they've both made up for the faux pas, mind you! I'm in no way mad at them.)

It was in that space of silently seeking acknowledgement of my existence and importance to them that I realized I've been ignoring myself and my desires all these years. Like, what was once a low-level desire that was easily stuffed away was suddenly not so low-level anymore. And I could stuff it away only enough for the purposes of shielding myself at work.

This all comes at the cost of recognizing that I'm attaching my worth to people's memories. It comes with trying to challenge those feelings as my worth ISN'T attached to what other people can or can't remember about me. But man, it's been hard. Since I can't get mad at the people close to me for an honest mistake, I turn it back around on me.

"Dear Alicia, see what you've done? You did this. You set this scene up for yourself by not letting others know that you value yourself enough to be acknowledged and remembered and that it might actually make you happy to hear supportive words from your friends and acquaintances. You've made you not a big deal in such a way that you just aren't, to others. You've got to work on that so you don't feel like this again."

See. There's more to it too.

Just this past January, two of my coworkers in the wing of the building that I work in had birthdays. And the other ladies made sure to plaster all over the interior of the building little printed signs in such an annoying fashion that everyone who got the slightest glimpse into our side of the world would know WHO was having a birthday.

I remember thinking at the time, "Oh god please don't do that for me! Oh…wait…you don't have anything to worry about because they don't know when your birthday is and you don't talk to them enough for them to know."

And then, there I am, going about my workday on my birthday, basically incognito, since no one else but my boss knew. And he did take me out for a birthday lunch, which was appreciated.

Towards the end of the day, one of the other ladies walked by my office and had a half thought which caused her to double back to my office door and ask me if she'd heard my boss correctly when he had wished me a happy birthday after lunch earlier in the day.

After I confirmed and once she was satisfied with the answers to all the usual questions, she headed back towards her office and mentioned that we'd take advantage of day two and do a lunch or a cake day or something.

The thought is nice and appreciated.

My brain is still displeased with me though.

I've been in no way memorable enough to people for them to want to know more about me to even be able to do nice things for me in a "timely" manner.

And as I say that, the inner critic is screaming "Why the fuck do you need people to do nice things for you???? And "timely manner"? Who do you think you are to want attention from others when it's relevant? You should be lucky you get attention at all!"

Gahhhhhhhhh? What. A. Bitch.

To a point though, a lot of this "makes sense" when I consider that not all of my birthdays have really been a positive experience.

When I was 9, I remember deciding to invite my entire class to Burger King for a party, instead of my usual round of close friends I played with regularly. I had ONE classmate show. I think I've mentioned this in another episode but anyway. It happened and is relevant. I can still feel that sinking feeling of realizing that one person out of like 25 kids liked me enough to show up. Gina, wherever you are, thank you for that.

Apparently there was a different instance when I was younger than that, that my parents tried to wait until March 1st to celebrate my birthday, on an off-year. I don't remember it, but they told me that I had a meltdown about it because I thought I'd been forgotten. They celebrated on the last day of February, going forward.

That's a funny thing too because at some point after I'd long since moved out of the house, it became a fairly regular thing that I would get a call from my mom on March 1st with her wishing me a happy birthday, saying she wasn't sure what day I celebrated it on and it was okay because I had two days to celebrate it anyway.

No, mom. No. That was never the case as a child and if you'd been more present in my life, you'd have known that it didn't change when I became an adult.

My psycho ex also contributed to a shitty 21st birthday for me as well. Obviously, it was an off-year, but that year was supposed to be a fun one to test, to see if a restaurant would serve me alcohol without that day being present on the calendar.

You know what this asshole did? He hung out with a friend of his from work and ate dinner at his place. He assumed that we wouldn't be going out until the next day. I didn't have a car at the time, nor any good friends to come take me somewhere, so I sat at home on my 21st birthday while he hung out with someone else.

We eventually did go out to a restaurant the next day, but…what's gone is gone, ya know? I'll never get that day back. I'm okay but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't just a little bit resentful. Of course, there was plenty wrong with that relationship so it's really just a drop in the bucket of 3.5 years of bullshit I let stay in my life.

I DID have an excellent sweet-sixteen though. I'd had Ms. Guyton for a teacher the year before, so she knew I was a leap year baby. On my 16th birthday, I'd just gotten to her class and had a call over the intercom to go up to the office. My boyfriend at the time had gotten me a little gift and had it delivered. By the time I got back to the classroom, there were balloons at my desk with a decent sized cupcake and some cards from other classmates. Ms. Guyton had also found a comic referencing leap year and placed that on my desk as well.

I seriously wish I could find that lady today and give her a big ol' hug. That was one of my best memories from high school and I appreciate her efforts more than I think she could ever understand.

I wonder what happened that one year when I was a child and I had a fit over my birthday being "delayed." Is my non-memory of the event a case of "well, you can't remember everything that happened in your childhood" or is it a case of a really traumatic experience for me that I had to block out to keep moving forward? Did that make me not believe my mom when she told me she loved me? I remember distinctly always saying something like, "but you're supposed to!"

And hell, is my birthdate as a whole a contributing factor in how I have this persistent feeling of being…invalid?

I'm not valid because I don't really exist. My birthday barely exists so how do I even exist? How has having a birthday that only actually exists on the calendar every four years helped shaped me? I want to ask "what has it done to me?" but it's not the damn calendar's fault.

Nah. It's a collective of things. A collective of the abuse and emotional immaturity of the people raising me. It was the instability hidden under a façade of stability.

If I could say anything to those of you listening, pay special attention to your friends and family members with "special" birthdays or those with birthdays close to other holidays. That person is NOT the holiday. That person exists separate from whatever else is going on within your culture. Don't blend the days. Don't blend the celebrations. Recognize the person as the individual they are and that their existence matters outside of the meaning of the rest of the days on the calendar. I think it matters.

Anyway, thanks for listening guys! Your support means a lot to me, even if it's just a simple share on social media or to a friend or family member who you feel might enjoy the podcast too. Also, I can't forget to give a shout out to both Kevin MacLeod at Incompetech.com and Scott Buckley at scottbuckley.com.au for the music transitions they  provided for use in the show.

Until next time, keep weeding!

Intro Audio:
"Cold Sober"Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)

Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0

http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

Transition Audio:

"Wonderful"Scott Buckley (scottbuckley.com.au)